I did not notice

I did not notice. Really. I do not know how but I did not notice the  loneliness. They seem to me so powerful, so beautiful in the deepest sense of the word, so insightful and knowing , gazing directly   , acting truthfully  and then writing about it with such clever elegance. I was so amazed that I did not notice the loneliness.

But today, when I said goodbye with a hug and went on my way home, to the kids and writing, to the dogs and to a Friday dinner being  organized  so that when I finish work tomorrow, it would not take long for the kids to come…  just before I closed the door behind her , I saw the smile hiding  a dark silence, so that I will not see or worry.

I also saw the pain, when she asked me, if I really did not notice that she is alone a lot, that she has no one to pick up the phone to and  go to the movies together, that everyone is married and with children, that everyone is busy with their lives, and she has no one special of her own. And she adds and asks – do you know what it is like to return from work, (which she does wonderfully in a special way) to an empty house? What is it like when you have no one asking or worrying, pampering or terribly waiting to know what your day was like?

 And I always waited for a quiet time, to have some of it, to write, study, drink hot coffee or sleep – I did not notice. I did not think. No…

I also saw  her, restrained, seeking to keep and not dismantle, because she has no place of her own and has no choice but to be in a place not belonging to her . She acknowledges and sees the good, knows that there is a lot of blessing in her way, and yet… she still has no place of her own. And she would so want to have one.

I also met yesterday the warrior,  leader of  battles  for justice, who is abandoned again, hurting again, and her beauty is again buried under anger and frustration. Lonely again.

How I did not notice loneliness. I saw the facts. I touched the pain. I knew the stories. I saw the strong desire to be loved and wanted, to be chosen. I saw the inner conflict, the fear of saying yes and really agreeing with the deep and ancient desire not to continue to be alone.

But still, I missed the loneliness.

I missed seeing really what it is to live, when you have no hope that it will stop.

The confusion:

Mind says that if I am together, I will lose my boundaries, my desires and I will have to compromise for  the desires and needs of someone else and that it will for sure be  at my expense. If I obey another’s request it will reduce my dignity and I will become unequal or less or small, if I do it once I will be obliged to do it every time and it will not be fair. Unequal.

Togetherness brings self-denial because no one can really see me and know exactly what and how  to do to make me happy.

Togetherness brings a burden of consideration to someone else instead of doing exactly and when what only I want.

The Gate:

The truth is that we are masters at being alone. And that’s enough. Enough with that already.

Through the other, through getting close  when it is difficult, breathing through letting him in deeply inside only then  we can truly touch ourselves.

Through obeying the voice of time, which asks for or sometimes even demands something that is contrary to our desires we can hear the voice of our soul asking for the exact same thing.

Beloveds in all their forms are a reflection of the soul lesson, of what it is time in our lives to see and say yes to. In devotion and not in compromise.

It is the power of love.

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סמדר ויסמן What Realy Is

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