I can continue living like this forever ,seemingly free, flirtatious, strong..
I can travel wherever I want and when and with whom.
I can go on crazy adventures around the world at any moment, be with whoever comes to me and in any way I choose .
And it’s tempting. Very. to Just stay this way.
But I can no longer ignore something else that sprouts deep down there, inside my stomach, something that has had enough of endless options and possibilities, something that knows this freedom, in this way. Has to end . not because it’s bad, people around me live like this all their lives, I also know how addictive it is.
I look at a friend who is sleeping on my couch, everything is open in front of her and wherever the wind blows she will also blow and suddenly I am not jealous of her at all. I am fed up with wondering about whatever will come next , or with what will be in the summer, or winter or in a season that is not now, I’m over knowing that everyone is there now and then they will be somewhere else . just Because it’s the way it is. So what’s the way for me?
I look at the faces around me, the man I am with and the man I have been with, and think how much I really believed I understood and controlled what was happening and could decide or affect what would happen. Nonsense.
Life, is bigger than Disney. And probably more disturbed screenwriters than him.
Life, if you just give it a chance , can suddenly, just due to the fact that I decided, that I said yes, rearrange all the cards, actually , it even suddenly switch to playing football.
It was always hard for me to know what I wanted, really wanted , it was hard for me to sit quietly for a moment and really listen to what was pulsating in me, it was easiest for me to go according to what is necessary or what is comfortable for people or what they want, it was always like this, not from a sense of pleasing , just that I have always been, flowing, caring, listening first to all the opinions and voices in the world and only then seeing for myself.
And suddenly I found myself facing an almost fateful important decision, how I want my family to look, and who will be the father of my child. And again all the voices and advice and intimidation and also all the love and support of everyone and everything was huge and scary and confusing and again I found myself not knowing. What. I . really want .
In one moment of silence. I did not find what I wanted, it was not at all the right question to ask all the time. But more, what within me, its time has come.
To rest . Make a decision, then start walking without knowing the way or where it is leading and just stop sitting on the fence and just let ,out of great love , life manage the script. It never occurred to me that it will come out so wild.
Suddenly I also realized what is the difference between- all the possibilities are open and I am confused and- all the possibilities are open because that’s how it always is. it’s not really related to my decisions or my actions, it’s the way it is , it comes from listening to a movement opening not from independently flowing with life. I realized that all options are equally good and in no way related to how much and whether I will be happy. Who will be the father of my child and if he ever has one can not change, really, how happy I will be with my child.
As soon as I started walking, the possibilities seemed to open up on their own.
Once I started marching, men and things appeared in each of them I could choose and I could not either.
As soon as I started walking, all the voices around even the sharpest sounded like love and I only listened to her, only to her.
Once I started marching, slowly I too could start to lead, and sweep everyone after me.