I woke up determined this morning, with a decision that today I will not waste the day away and that I will do all the millions of things I want to do and create.
And so I started. I talked to people, got out of my shell and started the movement – where to? It didn’t really matter. I felt the fire burning in my stomach.
And then, with the first obstacle or challenge or refusal, once I saw that things were not going as well as I wanted, I froze.
I know this feeling very well. There is a spoiled little girl in me, who refuses to be told – ‘no’, and she inflates that ‘no’ into such a big mountain that there is no way to get through.
At that moment I see only the refusal and the harshness of the world, that everything and everyone is against me, showing me again they do not understand me at all and do not have my well-being in mind. I had just hoped again that everything would flow smoothly and again the world has proven to me that nothing goes easy.
Something in me really refuses to believe that if there is some difficulty then this is the right way, that if a little more effort is needed then the story is really over for me.
I find it so difficult to cross this threshold. It feels like a punch in the stomach, which folds me in half and at once I give up, failing to see again a passage through this wall.
The funny and frustrating thing about all of this is that if it was a friend that was consulting with me, or my sister or any of my patients, I would already find a thousand ways to see through it, and I would usually make them aware that this is not the end but just another step that needs to be taken. Or to go under – to find a way. It does not matter. But in me I have such a wall that I can’t pass. It is easiest to retreat and give up in advance and leave everything as it is as I know well and live with the flavour of the missed opportunity that has become such a familiar taste over the years.
My mind tells me that if I have to make an effort then surely I have to give up something. Maybe even something I don’t want to give up on at all. Like my freedom. Or my money. Or I have to compromise or become like everyone else.
The mind tells me that where I am uncomfortable or if something doesn’t come easily then it is certainly not the direction nor the way, because otherwise I would swim freely.
The mind tells me that there are forces in the world, currently working against me so that I will fail, and remember that I’m not worth it.
Separation, a difficult world that comes to harm me; it’s me against everyone else, I have to fight for what I deserve. Some things I deserve and some things I don’t deserve.
All of the above are obsolete outdated concepts.
The truth is not that there is never any difficulty. Yes sometimes it can get difficult, sometimes things do not come as we wanted and planned. Sometimes we are asked to cross this threshold ourselves. But mostly we are asked to be attentive and submissive to life’s movement without trying to guess where the current should flow and where we need to go – rather what timing it has come to unfold, what path opens, and how do I rediscover myself as I walk along it, with everything that might come.
And a voice comes to my mind that says – there is no longer any reason to wait, you can no longer believe that only when all circumstances will be most aligned then the time will be right. Or to wait for someone to come and save / help me .
This time of fear of the world has come to an end. The world misses out on me when I am afraid of it and I miss out on the world.
The truth is that out of a quiet listening, there is no effort and no hard work. There are no mountains to cross and no trolls to be scared of. These are just gone. And that is exactly the difference between knowing and understanding, between effort and silence, between feelings and thoughts and the simple truth.